To those who say "Don't knock a film until you see it." Well, I saw Mortdecai and it warrants all the negativity!

Adapted to the screen from the Kyril Bonfiglioli series of the same name, Mortdecai is a wonky crime thriller rife with bad accents, bad acting, and painfully boring plot.

An eccentric but apparently debonair art dealer Charlie Mortdecai is brought on to recover a stolen painting. Simple enough? Nope. Mortdecai has more problems than he knows what to do with – Russians, Mi5, international terrorists, and did we mention the painting might have a code that leads to Nazi treasure.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Gwyneth Paltrow, Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor and Paul Bettany are all acclaimed actors, so there is absolutely no excuse for this horrific train wreck of a film. All I can say is I reaaaally hope the actors involved were paid well considering the negative impact this film will have on their career. Depp does nothing but quickly rattle of lines, speeding through every scene,  desperately trying to get to the film’s conclusion as quickly the possible, all the while with this stiff grin plastered on his face.

Bad, Mortdecai is just bad. The characters are boring and uninteresting and impossible to care about, despite their eccentricities – a considerably marvelous feat for writer Eric Aronson, and that is decidedly not a compliment. Aronson manages to make one of the least funny comedies out there, I don’t even know where the humor was intended to be because it is such a ludicrous mess and so unfunny.  I reserve this film for one of the methods of torture, and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Let Archon Cinema reviews put it this way: There was a reason we barely heard anything about Mortdecai before it was released and it seemingly came and went abruptly – by the end of the year we will easily be able to say Mortdecai was one of the worst films of 2015. And to you Lionsgate: You owe me 90 minutes of my life that you stole from me!