Aloha is garbage and an example of everything wrong with Hollywood.

We at Archon first heard of Aloha many moons ago when its stellar cast started garnering media attention. Even then, we were wary, something about it seemed too pristine, too gimmicky to be an average to good film – and our suspicions were correct.

Cameron Crowe‘s Aloha is about a military contractor, played by Bradley Cooper, who returns to Hawaii after his most recent assignment. When he lands, he must face his ex-love, another subversive assignment and an aspiring Air Force fighter pilot anxious to make a name for herself while tasked with watching him.

Technically all of these plot events do transpire in Aloha, but the film itself veers so greatly from a plot that it is just a meandering collection of conversations without reason. How can someone like Cameron Crowe, the genius behind Almost Famous, be responsible for this bland mockery of a film?

It is like Cameron Crowe has no soul anymore, nothing left to say, and didn’t even bother trying with Aloha. He utilized boring and tedious voice over monologues to tell the audience what the character wants using horrid metaphors and lame exposition. That is all well and good for a Lifetime movie, but is well below what we’ve come to expect from Crowe.

And the narrative and direction is not at all close either. An assortment of tiresome conversations scattered about relating to a miscellany of plot subjects. Crowe’s direction is tasteless and uninspired, with overly saturated cinematography that is completely irrelevant and pointless.  I grew so tired of watching the film that I decided to turn it into a drinking game with one rule being take a shot every time Crowe shows Emma Stone in a medium close-up as she looks over her shoulder. Hint, probably wanna change that rule to ‘take a drink’ because you will get wasted.

As an actor, you can only do as much as the script allows, and Aloha is quite boring. However, all but Rachel McAdams are punchy and irritating with the worst being Stone herself. The film does nothing but to highlight her monotony in her performances across her career. Every single scene is so all over the place emotionally that there is no inclination as to where any of it is coming from. And in regard to Emma Stone playing a character named Allison Ng who is supposed to be a quarter Hawaiian and native to the island – the most blaring issue is not her fair skin but her inability to have the audience believe, truly, that she is part of Hawaii and cares for the land, the sole purpose of her performance as the character.

We are just so painfully disappointed in this garbage that is so beneath Cameron Crowe. By far, Aloha is his worst film to date, but more importantly, doesn’t even feel like a Cameron Crowe film. I am actually concerned for him, as the completed project feels so unlike him that I am actually worried he might have some some of brain issue.

Aloha’s story is a bore, and fails splendidly at compelling the audience to have the capacity to feel and care, which is completely the director’s fault. Aloha is odd in a bad way, uncomfortable to watch and completely unbearable.